Like Poison
by MaverikFlame
Summary: Loki makes another enemy and decides to go to the Avengers for help. The Avengers are not amused.
1. Chapter 1

I found another prompt that will not leave me alone: _After a while of not hearing from Loki the Avengers wake up to an intruder alarm and a injured God of Mischief in their mansion. There's something or someone after him and he's run out of hiding places so he's gone to the heroes because he knows that at least one of them will help him._

Separate from the _Abaddon _series, but still h/c and still Loki.

Because, apparently, I am a mean, mean person.

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><p><strong>Oops<strong>

The women on Midgard were altogether far too prudish.

When Loki had listed for Adder all the activities he would like to undertake involving her breasts, he had meant it as a compliment, really. The dangerous look in her reptilian eyes had all but spelled his doom, but Loki felt the need to assure her that she was, in fact, carrying the leftover weight from her pregnancy uncommonly well. Considering all the times Loki had been pregnant himself, he thought she would appreciate that bit of flattery.

Needless to say, when she turned into a monstrous snake and tore a chunk out of his shoulder in response, he had seen it as completely unnecessary and, frankly, a little rude.

Maybe it was a snake thing, he decided. He would have to ask Jormungand.

Still, Loki dispatched Adder easily enough, leaving her snake form a twitching, charred, and smoking husk after a few well-timed spells. He left her where she lay as a warning to all those other uppity self-professed villains trying to mark his territory. He turned smartly on his heel and walked away, chin held at a haughty angle as he smirked at the by-standers huddled like frightened mice in doorways and storefronts.

The first time he stumbled, he blamed it on not watching where he was walking. He was hardly the clumsy type, but he _was_ feeling uncommonly tired.

But then Loki stumbled again, and this time he knew it was because the horizon was tilting dangerously. He pressed a hand first to his pounding skull and then to the torn flesh of his shoulder. The wound was already healing, skin rapidly knitting itself back together, but the joint of his shoulder felt inflamed, achy.

Loki closed his eyes and groaned. "Adder" she had called herself, and adders, if he recalled correctly, were snakes of the venomous variety. Loki gritted his teeth and blinked back the spots crowding the edge of his vision.

_Think_, he told himself, pressing the heel of his hand against his helmet where it dipped down in front of his forehead. _Think._

The hissing of an angry, wounded snake behind him spurred Loki into making a decision he knew he would probably regret.

* * *

><p>The Avengers were engrossed in a rousing game of Go Fish – Steve had been adamantly against Tony's suggestion of Strip Poker – when the intruder alarm sounded and Jarvis informed them that they had a guest.<p>

"Go fish," Tony told Steve as he jumped to his feet.


	2. Chapter 2

I like words like "shenanigans".

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><p><strong>Hello Again<strong>

Tony had expected to find trouble on his doorstep. What he hadn't expected to find was Loki, though he supposed the two were synonymous.

"Oh for the love of–!"

"Well," Steve sighed, "in fairness, we _were_ overdo for some Loki-related shenanigans."

"Hello, Mr. Stark," Loki said by way of greeting. It was only then that Tony realized that Loki was swaying drunkenly, his shoulder caked in blood and his smirking visage unusually pale. He stumbled and steadied himself against the wall with one shaky hand. What worried Tony, however, were the skittish glances he kept throwing over his shoulder. "It's a pleasure to... ta... wa..."

Loki's next blink lasted a beat longer than it should, and his lips moved too sluggishly to form anything other than desperate, wheezy vowels. Tony watched as his enemy's green eyes glossed over and rolled back into his skull. The Trickster dropped at his feet in a dead faint.

"Hmm," Tony hummed as he blinked down at Loki, tentatively prodding the god's uninjured shoulder with an armored foot. A tiny groan told him the Trickster was still alive.

Tony was not sure whether or not he was disappointed.

"Um," Steve stammered next to him. Tony pulled off his helmet, matched his friend's stare, and shrugged.

A stampede of footsteps announced Thor's presence. Tony stepped to the side to allow him a line of sight to his prone little brother. The steps stumbled to a halt, and Tony glanced over his shoulder to see Thor staring down at Loki, eyes round and hammer still half-raised in anticipation of a battle Tony was not sure they would fight or not.

"Brother," Thor breathed, dropping Mjolnir with a clang – Tony shuddered in sympathy for his poor flooring – and crouching beside Loki. With uncharacteristic gentleness, Thor turned his brother onto his back and pulled off his signature helmet. Beads of sweat glistened on Loki's forehead and his lips were still moving sluggishly.

"He just collapsed," Steve helpfully supplied. "We don't know what happened."

The worried crease between Thor's brow deepened as he placed a hand to Loki's cheek. Juxtaposed with Thor's sun-kissed skin, Loki looked like a ghost. For Thor's sake, Tony sighed and sank into a crouch to better examine the already-healed wound on Loki's shoulder. Under the mess of blood and dirt, Tony could see the twin scarred roundels that indicated a matched set of puncture wounds. By tomorrow, there would be no trace of them, Tony knew.

"It looks like a... snake bite?" he said.

"Must've been a really big snake," Steve commented, again oh-so-helpfully.

The furrows along Thor's brow cleared in understanding. "Poison," he sighed.

Tony looked up at the Asgardian, trying to read his reaction. "How do Asgardians – well, Frost Giants, I guess – hold up against snake venom?"

Thor frowned. "It is not lethal to us," he said, "or... to them, but it can make us very sick."

"Then why would Loki come to us?" Steve asked. "Why not lock himself away until he was healed?"

Tony recalled Loki's nervous glances over his shoulder and bit back a groan. "Because he was being followed by something," he grumbled. "Probably something that would kill him if it found him like this."

Steve looked at the door as though he expected to see Loki's pursuer waving at them through the glass.

"Likely whatever was following him didn't think it worth it to incite _our_ wrath as well as his," Tony informed his friend, arching his eyebrow. He looked at Thor, saw that the worried crease had settled between his eyebrows again. Tony sighed heavily. "Let's bring him to one of the guestrooms," he grudgingly told Thor. "I'll have the staff bring up some water and clean towels and whatnot."

Thor smiled wanly and nodded his thanks. He cradled his little brother in his arms, and Loki slumped limply against him like a rag-doll.

Tony decided that he should probably savor the silence while he could.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N:_ Sorry for the delay, guys! My muse for _Unto Death _decided to grab me by the throat and shake for a little while, but here's a short chapter to tide you over.

**Calm**

Tony supposed it was almost sweet – in a nauseating sort of way – how Thor doted on his ill brother. He prowled the room like a caged and restless tiger, pausing now and again to sit by Loki and to wipe the droplets of sweat that glistened on his brow. He kept his movements slow and almost timid, as though Loki were some fragile creature he was afraid of hurting, like a baby bird so small that he could see its heartbeat fluttering in its chest.

Loki probably deserved what he had gotten, but Tony found it hard to be vindictive when he noticed how pale and small Loki looked, curled up and shivering under the blankets. Without his helmet, cape, and trademark snark the Trickster seemed diminished somehow. Vulnerable.

Approachable.

"You'll take care of him while I'm gone?" Thor asked from the doorway, trying too hard to sound casual, like he wasn't worried.

Tony hummed an affirmative, blinked, and then asked, "Wait, _where _are you going?"

The now-empty doorway offered no answer.

Tony pursed his lips and sighed, watching Loki for a long, still moment, half expecting the Trickster to spring up and yell, "Surprise!" to indicate that the whole thing was just one of his more harmless pranks. Loki twitched in his sleep, eyes moving rapidly under closed eyelids, but otherwise did not move, breathing in shallow, shuddering breaths.

Tony willed the muscles in his shoulders to unclench and slid into the chair Thor had shuffled close to the bed. He drummed his fingers on his knee, aware of each second as it crawled by, and stared at Loki's face, studying the familiar features for lack of anything else to do. He had rather pleasing features, he supposed, with large eyes, fine cheekbones, and dark hair that complemented pale skin and what he knew to be green, green eyes.

By all rights, he should be a hit with the ladies, Tony mused, if he just stopped trying to destroy things every once in a while. Being crazy and wearing a cape tended to offset one's attractiveness.

Though Tony thought _he_ could probably pull off a cape. Green would clash with the armor, and red was just overused, but gold would be rather striking, he supposed. He would just have to be careful around automatic doors.

"Thor?"

Tony's gaze had wandered alongside his mind, and when he looked away from the window, it was to see Loki's eyes open, glassy with fever but staring right at him. His voice was little more than a whisper, but Tony heard it well enough.

"Oh," Tony said, fumbling for words. "Hello."

Loki blinked slowly, dazedly, and slurred something that sounded like, "Agggabaaadaghjgasd."

Tony blinked. "Come again?"

He leaned closer, eyeing the Trickster warily. Loki murmured something else that Tony doubted was English, hand twitching up as though reaching for him before flopping back onto the bed.

"Yes, fascinating," Tony muttered, rolling his eyes.

Loki's eyes slid closed, but he continued mumbling incoherently in his sleep.

Tony decided to text Pepper to order a pizza.

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><p>Across the city, Thor was diligently cleaning the remnants of snake guts from his hammer and armor, satisfied with a job well done.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N:_ wasn't planning on working on this today, but Loki decided to start poking me as I was cleaning. I'm not British, but words like "cheeky", "slag", and "knackers" amuse me. I blame it on watching _Doctor Who_.

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><p><strong>Awake<strong>

Tony whistled Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" as he whipped up an omelet for himself and his still-sleeping conquest of the previous night, a pretty strawberry blonde – Shawna? Shana? – with pouty lips and legs from here to China. He watched the ingredients sizzle and crackle in the skillet, smiling when he heard the slap of bare feet shuffle into the kitchen.

"Morning!" he singsonged. A lewd joke died on his lips when he turned, expecting to see a familiar strawberry blonde, only to see Loki standing in the doorway. Well, "standing" was a relative term. He was swaying unsteadily, blinking owlishly around him in a way that indicated that he was not all there, and there were still creases on his cheek from where it had been pressed against the pillow. His usually impeccably slicked-back hair fell around his face and into his eyes in dark, frizzy curls.

"Hello," Tony greeted him warily, keeping one eye on Loki and the other on his omelet. It was surreal, standing in his kitchen in nothing but a pair of sweatpants and seeing supercilious, perfectionist Loki with an impressive case of bedhead. It was all so _ordinary _that Tony let out a huff of amazed laughter.

Loki's glassy eyes finally landed on Tony, and he blinked at the Avenger for a moment before looking down at his own attire, a pair of boxers and an oversized t-shirt Tony had grudgingly lent the Trickster.

"Mm," Loki grunted in reply, shuffling forward a few more shaky steps. "It wasn't a dream then."

"Unfortunately no," Tony agreed, poking at the omelet with a spatula. Loki was giving his skillet a particularly intense but unfocused stare, and Tony sighed before grudgingly asking, "Hungry?"

Loki squeezed his eyes shut and pressed a trembling hand to his forehead. "I'm..." He was leaning dangerously to one side. "Yes."

"You should probably sit down."

Loki was still ghostly pale, the shadows under his eyes like bruises against his skin, and Tony froze by the oven, trying to decide if he would have enough time to save his omelet before catching Loki if he should collapse. His more vindictive side told him that he could probably just let the Trickster fall and walk around him as he cooked. It was unlikely that Thor would approve of that scenario, however, so Tony was grateful when Loki stumbled over to the counter and flopped onto a stool. Tony was able to add a bit of salt to his omelet before flipping it onto a plate in peace.

Tony decided to be a gentleman and slid the omelet in front of Loki; he could make another one for himself and Shawna later. He realized that Loki had to still be feverish when the god mumbled a distracted, "Thank you."

He slid into the stool next to Loki, scrutinizing the Trickster for any signs of deception, just in case. As Loki speared a forkful of egg, Tony placed a hand on the back of his neck, feeling that Loki was still fevered but that his temperature had fallen since the night before. He pulled his hand away and met Loki's warning glare with an arched eyebrow.

"You really were sick, weren't you?" Tony said.

Another half-hearted glare. "Did you think I was merely pretending for your benefit, Mr. Stark?" Loki stabbed another piece of omelet. It was the most coherent thing he had said in the past forty-eight hours.

"With you? It's hard to tell," Tony deadpanned. "For all I know, this is all part of some master scheme of yours to take over the world and eat my omelet."

Loki's lips twitched in a smirk as he chewed. "There are far easier ways," he replied.

"Hey, I don't just make omelets for anyone!"

Loki looked at Tony, green eyes glinting with mischief. "Are you trying to tell me something, Mr. Stark?" he teased. Rather than just stuffing the next piece of omelet into his mouth, Loki snaked his tongue around the forkful in a manner that was nothing short of obscene.

Tony stared at Loki for a long moment before snickering. "Sorry, Loki," he said. "I save my omelets for the ladies."

"That's not what the tabloids say."

Loki's expression was too innocent by far. Tony felt his cheeks burn even as he said, "You shouldn't believe everything you read, but it's good to see that poison has made you no less of a smart-ass."

Loki grinned as though he had just been greatly complimented. He ate half the omelet before pushing the plate away.

"Just wondering in what other ways you live up to the 'Iron Man' title."

Yep, definitely still a smart-ass.

"Hey, now," Tony mock scolded. "At least buy me a drink first."

"Oh, is a drink all it takes?"

"Is that how you seduced that horse?"

"Oh ho!" Loki laughed, and Tony realized that they were bantering like old friends. Being Thor's brother and all, Loki had always had a strange and contradictory relationship with the Avengers, but Tony had kept their interaction to a minimum until now. "You _are_ a cheeky one!" Loki was sizing him up in a way that made Tony feel like he had passed some test.

"Tony?" a slightly husky, feminine voice called from the doorway. Shawna, dressed only in one of his shirts, was leaning against the doorjamb in a way that showed off her shapely legs, giving Tony That Look. "Come back to bed?'

Tony glanced at Loki as if to say, "See?"

"Mm," Loki hummed as his eyes dragged up and down Shawna's form. "Good cover."

Tony flipped him the bird as he followed Shawna out of the kitchen.


	5. Chapter 5

**Recovery**

Loki groaned and turned his pillow over so that its cooler side pressed against his cheek. His fever had all but burned itself out, but it had taken much of his strength with him. He should be on his feet by now, on the other side of Midgard and halfway through a new set of schemes to prove to the Avengers that he was _not_ helpless, thank-you-very-much, but he was far too comfortable where he was.

"You should get up," he told himself every few minutes, the words slurred and soft, half muffled by the pillow.

But each time he would hit the snooze button in his brain. His next plan could wait a few minutes, he would decide; right then his wrung-out body just wanted to cling to this soft mattress like a long-lost lover.

Ten minutes later, the cycle began again.

"You need to get up."

Snooze.

Eventually Thor broke the pattern as Loki dozed, placing a large, roughened hand against his brother's forehead and brushing back wild ringlets of dark hair. Loki sighed and swatted half-heartedly at his brother's paw of a hand. Thor pulled away.

"Looks like your fever broke."

Loki was, as always, unimpressed by his brother's powers of observation. "I suspect that Mr. Stark's omelets contain healing powers," he mumbled, grudgingly opening his eyes to stare at Thor. His brother was hovering over him like a mother hen.

Thor chuckled. "That is good to hear since it's all that he knows how to cook."

Loki hummed a vague reply, blinking tiredly.

"Can I get you anything?" Thor asked, his voice unusually gentle.

Loki was well enough to leave, really – the last thing he needed was his brother treating him like an invalid! – but Thor was looking at him with wide eyes bright with hope, like a puppy that wants to please his master and sits patiently, awaiting his approval.

Like he was desperate to please _Loki_.

Well now. That was unusual and far too good an opportunity to pass up. Loki decided that a little test was in order.

He pushed himself up into a sitting position, exaggerating all outward signs of weakness, moving sluggishly and adding the faintest tremor to his hands. When Thor moved to help, Loki let him with a weak glare and some token struggling. Once positioned with his back against the headboard, Loki sighed wearily and frowned down at his hands as though irritated and embarrassed by this display of weakness.

"I could..." He looked up at Thor only to drop his gaze a moment later. "Never mind. It's... it's nothing."

"Tell me," Thor said, gently, predictably. "_I_ will decide if it's truly 'nothing'."

Loki sighed heavily as though Thor had coerced him. "Well, it's just," he began, "my throat is sore. I've been craving some Midgardian ice cream all afternoon." He shrugged and smiled sheepishly at Thor.

Thor laughed uproariously and clapped his brother on the shoulder. Loki did not need to fake a wince since it was, in fact, his only recently healed shoulder. "It is done!" he said. His grin was disproportionately wide as he left, and Loki was again reminded of an eager puppy. All he needed was a wagging tail.

When Thor returned with twenty different flavors of ice cream, apologizing profusely for not knowing his brother's favorite, Loki knew that he was going to have far too much fun.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Loki wandered the halls of the Avengers' mansion with the full intention of snooping where he oughtn't. Granted, that was his intention everywhere he walked, but that did not mean that he deserved the narrow-eyed look of suspicion Tony Stark sent his way.<p>

Loki returned that look with a perfectly innocent smile and made a few mental changes to his agenda; while snooping was fun, messing with the Avengers was much higher on his evil to-do list, and here was Tony, the infamous Iron Man, in all his avenging glory.

It was just asking for trouble.

He remembered how susceptible Thor had been to his show of fake vulnerability. He wondered if this were a trait common to all self-professed "hero" types and decided that another experiment was in order.

As he passed Tony in the hall, Loki feigned dizziness and pressed a hand to his head, staggering his steps. Tony slowed to a stop and watched him.

"Feelin' okay?" he asked. The way he spoke indicated that he said the words out of a sense of duty rather than any personal interest. Loki suspected that Thor had told the other Avengers to play nice.

Loki decided to up the ante.

"I..." he breathed before pretending to faint in Tony's direction, expecting goody-two-shoes Iron Man to catch him.

He didn't.

Loki managed to put his hands under him in time to avoid a mouthful of tile, but the impact still jarred his palms and knees. Tony had not moved an inch.

"You're supposed to catch me," Loki snapped, which earned him a smirk from the Avenger. He pushed himself to his feet, this time stumbling dizzily – for real – from the quick change in elevation. He prayed Tony would chalk it up to more acting on his part.

"Not buying it," Tony said, folding his arms across his chest. "Though I'm not surprised you want my hands on you." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Loki sniffed primly, picking lint off his clothes. "How is it you mortals put it? 'Bitch, please'."

Tony's chortle quickly turned into an embarrassed cough. He schooled his expression into something sterner and asked, "Do I even want to know where you learned that?"

"The internet."

Tony nodded, then paused to consider that. "Dear God," he said, eyes round in fear. "You've found the internet?"

"Indeed. This 'Google' is most illuminating. As is Facebook."

"Facebook," Tony echoed, eyes still comically round.

"Indeed," Loki blithely replied. "You should friend Thor."

Tony's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "I didn't think Thor even understood the concept of Facebook," he said slowly.

Loki grinned devilishly. "He doesn't."

Tony stared at him, lips pursed as though he wanted to laugh but did not want to encourage the Trickster. "I suppose this is all part of your next evil scheme?" he asked.

Iron Man was teasing him again, it seemed. It was all rather backwards.

"Of course," Loki replied. "Social networking makes everything so much easier."

Tony passed a hand over his face. "That... is a frightening concept."

"You have no idea."

Loki decided that Tony Stark was the least intolerable among the Avengers. He did not fit the parameters of the vigilante-hero stereotype, and Loki found that... intriguing.

"Of course, my latest 'scheme', as you put it, has already been enormously successful," Loki continued. He examined his fingernails and waited for Tony to take the bait.

Tony eyed him warily. "I'll probably regret asking," he sighed, "but what scheme is this?"

After centuries of teasing Thor, Loki had perfected the straight-faced delivery. He looked Tony in the eye and said, matter-of-factly, "I'm actually Lady Gaga."

Tony stared at him for a moment before biting back a snicker. "That's funny," he said, but his ensuing chuckle sounded a bit nervous. "You're not really...?" He eyed Loki as though seriously considering the idea before letting out another gale of laughter. "No," he said decisively. "You can't be."

Loki smiled innocently.

"Are you? No. No, that's ridiculous. Isn't it? Oh dear God, you are, aren't you?"

Loki's smile widened, but he said nothing. Tony was looking more confused by the moment.

"I don't... God, Loki, you make my head hurt." He pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes.

Satisfied with a job well done, Loki pushed off the wall and continued down the hallway. At the doorway to the kitchen, he started loudly singing, "_My my my poker face, my my my poker face!_"

Tony stared after him, shaking his head. The next time his phone rang, he found that his ring-tone had been changed to Lady Gaga's "Telephone".

He hoped Loki would be fully healed soon.

* * *

><p><em>AN:_ ...yeah. That just happened. xD


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: _Two updates in three days? It's like Christmas! 8D

Anyways. The other Avengers decided they wanted some face-time, so I threw in Steve and Clint. I don't know enough about the other Avengers to incorporate them just now, alas, but maybe in another fic. Are there any particular Avengers you guys would like to see? :)

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><p><strong>Game Plan<strong>

"Your brother needs to go."

Thor supposed he should have expected those words, but that did not stop him from being offended on his brother's behalf. Clint had been dutifully teaching the Thunderer the intricacies of a Midgardian ritual known as "Mario Kart" when Steve had stamped into the room, blue half-mask failing to obscure his irritation. Then again, his patriotic outfit of choice didn't exactly "obscure" much of anything when one thought about it.

Thor threw down his controller – Clint did not know that plastic could shatter like that, really – and stood, puffing out his chest and wishing he weren't in street clothes so that he could have a proper glaring match with Captain America.

"My brother is still recovering from a serious illness," Thor answered in the firm, challenging tone he usually reserved for Jotnar and Jehovah's Witnesses.

Clint sat between the two, cross-legged, on the rug. He decided there was already enough testosterone in the vicinity and scuttled backward so he could watch from the couch.

"He's healed enough to look after himself," Steve countered, in turn with the slow tone he usually reserved for mental cases. "And I can't take anymore Lady Gaga. Please."

There was sincere desperation in Steve's eyes, and Thor eased his posture but did not stand down. Clint wished he had some popcorn.

"I understand your frustration," Thor said, "but I don't want to take any chances."

Clint cleared his throat and raised his hand as though he were in a classroom. "In Thor's defense," he said, hand still raised, "the longer Loki stays with us, the longer he stays out of trouble. Plus I like Lady Gaga."

Steve sighed heavily and rubbed his forehead. "Fine, then _you_ can deal with Tony."

Clint dropped his arm and his fingers tapped out a cadence on the armrest of the couch. His head tilted in a question. "What do you mean?"

The look Steve gave him was that of a weary, long-suffering soldier. "He's been scouring YouTube for videos of Lady Gaga, dissecting each frame and muttering to himself." He paused to shake his head. "I think he's honestly trying to figure out whether or not she _is_ actually Loki. Frankly, at this point, I don't know either."

Clint coughed to hide a snicker. He could totally see Loki in a meat dress.

After a bit of pacing that left furrows in the plush carpet, Steve threw up his hands and shoved a threatening finger under Thor's nose. "Just deal with him," he growled. "If he touches any of _my_ stuff, he might as _well_ be Lady Gaga since he'll be singing soprano for the rest of his life!"

Clint blew out a low whistle and cringed at the idea while Thor just tilted his head in confusion. He seemed to have some difficulty grasping euphemisms.

Steve stormed out without bothering to explain, accidentally crunching Clint's controller under his boot, and the door slammed close behind him with enough force to rattle the hinges. Clint groaned and dropped his face into his hands. Thor had already decimated three of his controllers in a fit of rage after losing his first game of Mario Kart. A few choice words and the strategic positioning of a pillow were all that had spared the flat screen from the same, dire fate.

Thor dropped onto the opposite end of the couch with enough force to temporarily lever Clint into the air.

"Loki?" Thor called. He looked at the ceiling as his voice bounced off the walls.

Clint stared at him. They were the only two in –

Oh.

The flea that had been hovering near the ceiling expanded into a more humanoid shape. A very familiar humanoid shape that then dropped onto the couch between Clint and Thor. Clint hadn't understood the saying "to jump out of one's skin" until then. He yelped and clutched at his chest. He didn't know Loki could turn into something so small, which just added a whole other level of creepy to the situation. He made a mental note to start carrying a fly-swatter with him at all times.

"Yes, darling brother?" Loki asked. His eyes wide were and innocent. His smirk was anything but.

"What the hell?" Clint shrieked. "I could have squished you or something!"

Now _there_ was an idea...

Loki sighed and gave Clint a bored look that all but said, "Humans are idiots."

Thor, on the other hand, did not so much as blink. "Brother," he sighed. "Could you just tell Tony that you're not Lady Gaga?"

"Why?" Loki scoffed. "I haven't had this much fun since Heimdall found out he was black!"

Clint was certain he was missing something here, but that was probably for the best. When the conversation turned into an argument in a weird mix of English and Asgardian – Clint could only understand the words "spandex", "Mr. Clean", and "McDonald's" – it occurred to him that he was alone with a pair of exceptionally powerful – and exceptionally destructive – gods and decided that he was better off positioned elsewhere. Like, a mile away where he could snipe Loki in peace.

* * *

><p>The next time Clint had the console alone to himself – and a spare controller he was careful to keep from Loki and his fellow Avengers – it was to find that the high scores he had painstakingly earned on every game had been replaced and outdone by someone named "TROLOLOL".<p>

Staring at the screen with pursed lips and hands clutching his last controller, Clint decided that he agreed with Steve.

Loki had to go.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: _Sorry for taking so long to post this! Enough of you reviewed or PM'd me asking for an update that I decided to hunker down this morning and crank something out. Feel free to start poking me if I take too long again. :)

No idea where this is going, ehhh heh, but oh well. 

Also, keep an eye out for a new fic that I'll start posting within the next few days. It involves even more Loki/Tony shenanigans! ;)**  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Accomplices<strong>

Steve and Thor were sitting on the living room couch, sipping coffee and discussing the finer points of smashing things when Tony plopped down next to them, looking halfway between resigned and miffed. A red baseball cap was perched incongruously atop his head, and tufts of black hair peeked out from under it.

Tony gave his friends a look that all but dared them to ask. Steve did.

"What's with the hat?"

Thor hummed in agreement and angled himself to better look at Tony.

Tony sighed, slumped, and craned his neck back until his head rested on the back of the couch. "Loki replaced my shampoo with glue," he answered.

Thor nodded as though Tony's words had confirmed something in his mind. Steve coughed and sipped at his coffee to mask his laughter. He would be sure to double check his own shampoo from then on.

"Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad," Steve said, trying to reassure his friend. He schooled his expression into one more sympathetic and less amused.

"Are you, now?" Tony challenged, rolling his head along the back of the couch until he was staring directly at Steve.

Thor was suspiciously silent, his expression thoughtful.

"Yes," Steve answered bluntly. He and Tony stared at each other for a long moment.

"You just want me to take off the hat, don't you?"

"Yes, yes I do."

Tony sighed melodramatically and sat up. He took off the hat – wincing and tugging a bit when it stuck to his hair – with a jaunty bow and a flourish. His hair molded to his scalp where the hat had been and then stuck out in stiff spikes where it had not. Steve let out a snort of laughter and clapped a hand over his mouth.

"It's not funny, Steve," Tony whined.

Steve bit back a smirk. "No, no, of course not," Steve replied. His voice wavered with suppressed laughter.

Thor smiled and shook his head but did not look terribly surprised. "At least you still _have_ hair," he said. "He cut off all of Sif's once. We all still have scars from that."

Tony looked at Thor with wide eyes and then cupped his hands protectively over his hair. "Well, that certainly puts things in perspective," he sighed. "But he... didn't mess with _your_ shampoo?"

Thor and Steve exchanged glances before shaking their heads. Tony groaned and slumped back against the couch again.

"Every few hours, it's something new," Tony groaned, cupping his hands over his face. "Please, someone, get the boy a hobby."

"I think that _is_ his hobby," Steve replied oh so helpfully.

"So let me get this straight," Thor said, rubbing his chin broodingly, "Loki has been bombarding you almost exclusively with annoying but harmless pranks all week?"

"Yeah," Tony replied, trying to read the meaning in Thor's deadly-serious expression. Steve sat by awkwardly, sipping his coffee. "What does that mean? Oh God, does he has some annoying _not_-so-harmless prank planned for me?"

Tony gripped the edge of the couch, tensing as though afraid that Loki would strike at any moment.

"Actually, I think it means he likes you."

Tony blinked. "Oh." With a nervous laugh, he uncurled his fingers from their white-knuckled grip. "Well, that's a good thing, right? It's better than having him hate me, isn't it?"

"Actually, in some ways it's worse."

Steve gave Tony's hair another appraising look. "So it would seem," he agreed.

The three men stilled as the sound of someone whistling approached the living room. Tony groaned and thunked his head against the back of the couch when he recognized the chorus of "Bad Romance". Loki shuffled into the doorway moments later, still wearing Tony's clothes – a Black Sabbath t-shirt and plaid pajama pants this time – and letting his hair curl. Again Tony was thrown by how... _normal _he looked.

Then again, he supposed that "normal" was in the eye of the beholder.

The whistling died off when Loki caught sight of the three Avengers, and he stared back at them with wide, too-innocent green eyes. His stare lingered on Tony for moment, and he snickered. Tony glowered and pulled the hat back over his hair.

"You," the human growled, pointing an accusatory finger Loki's way.

"Me?" Loki cocked his head to the side. His smile crooked higher on the left side, and Tony found that terribly distracting. "Oh, by the way, I tie-dyed your favorite suit. Good day."

Tony roared and sprang to his feet. Cackling evilly, Loki spun on his heel and took off down the hallway, Tony in hot pursuit.

Steve and Thor watched after them for a long moment. Seconds later there was a resounding crash and a loud cuss from Tony.

Steve sighed and finished off his coffee. Someone should probably make sure Tony hadn't broken something important.

"Looks like your brother has recovered," he said as he rose to his feet.

"Unfortunately."

"I was half expecting him to take off once he could move."

Thor favored Steve with a weary, long-suffering look. "To be honest, so was I."

More shouting, and then a sound like breaking glass. "Oh dear," Steve sighed.

"Verily."

* * *

><p>An hour later, Tony found himself in his workshop, sitting across from Loki and playing <em>Battleship<em>. He had no idea how that had happened.

Tony cracked his knuckles and studied the board. "E4," he said after some deliberation.

"Go fish."

Tony arched an eyebrow at Loki over the partition. "I don't think you understand the concept of this game."

Loki smiled wickedly, and Tony was again struck by the pleasing symmetry of his face, the expressive quality of those green, green eyes. "I understand that your battleship missed mine," he replied imperiously, "and I think that, maybe, its crew should take up fishing instead."

Tony rubbed at the ache forming in the middle of his forehead. "I don't think that's how it works," he sighed. "Anyway, it's your turn, smart-ass."

Loki smirked at the epithet. He almost seemed to take it as a compliment. "B6," he said.

"Go fish."

Loki laughed, and Tony found himself smiling like an idiot. "C... 9?"

Loki's eyes darted to the side shiftily, and Tony saw him move something on his side of the partition. "Miss."

Tony eyed him narrowly. "Did you just move one of your ships?"

"Maybe."

Tony laughed and shook his head. He was not exactly surprised.

He leaned back in his chair and studied Loki's face. Loki stared down at the board, brow furrowed in concentration, when he felt the weight of the human's scrutiny and returned the stare. His eyes spelled a question.

"Will you stop pranking me now?" Tony asked.

Loki grinned and sat back, mimicking Tony's posture and studying the human in turn. He shrugged. "If you find some other way to keep me entertained."

Immediately, Tony's thoughts turned less than innocent. "I'm sure I can think of a few things," he said with a lascivious smirk.

Loki's eyebrows rose to meet his hairline. "Not quite what I meant," he laughed. Then he paused as though considering. "But maybe." He looked at Tony out of the corner of his eye and favored him with a sly smile.

"Thor would kill me."

"Thor would kill you," Loki agreed. He tilted his head and stroked a finger over his chin. "Unless we keep him occupied."

"Occupied?"

Loki's lopsided smile was anything but reassuring.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N:_ These two are waaaay too much fun to write together! xD

* * *

><p><strong>You've Got Mail<strong>

The hardest part was procuring all the owls. Aside from that, all Loki needed was stationary, quills, and a list of addressees. All _that_ needed was some time, expenses, and research, all of which Tony Stark had in spades.

Loki looked over at his "accomplice" and decided that in hindsight, no, the owls were relatively easy to deal with; the hardest part was getting Tony to stop giggling like a two-year-old girl.

"Aren't you done with your pile, yet?" the Trickster sighed, resting his cheek on his fist and arcing an eyebrow at the human. His long fingers drummed against the table.

"Hold on a minute, fancy-pants," Tony mumbled, scribbling furiously. He was bent so far over the desk that his nose almost touched the paper he was writing on. "Not all of us have magic at our disposal... plus I have a few last-minute additions."

That sent him giggling again. Loki would probably be irritated at this point if the human hadn't introduced him to caffeine earlier that morning. As it was, the Trickster had a hard time keeping still and had to bite his lip to keep from giggling himself. It was amazing how _alive_ ten cups of expresso could make him feel!

For his part, Tony had stopped after six cups. The giggling had started somewhere after three.

Loki picked up his chair and scuttled sideways until he was practically on top of Tony. With no regards to personal space, Loki pressed his head next to Tony's to see what he was writing. What he saw made him guffaw.

"'Steve Rogers'?" Loki read.

"Hogwarts is expanding its recruitment system."

"They would have to," Loki laughed. "Don't you think the Captain is a bit old for school?"

"Maybe they have a graduate program." Tony shrugged. "Besides, you wrote one out for Thor!"

Loki smirked. "Well yes, but that's because he's at the maturity level of an eleven-year-old."

Tony grinned and placed Steve Rogers' "invitation" at the top of his considerable stack. His fingers tapped a hurried cadence, and there was a manic edge to his smile when he turned it towards Loki.

"What should we do now?" Tony asked. His words were rushed and almost ran together, but Loki didn't see the point of talking slowly anyway. "I have _so_ much energy!"

"Me too! Let's go paint Thor's room pink!"

"Okay!"

* * *

><p>"They've been down there together a long time."<p>

Clint pointed out what Steve and Pepper were already thinking. The three exchanged apprehensive glances from their various corners of the living room.

"Perhaps we should go check on them?" Pepper suggested tentatively. More uneasy glances crossed the room.

This time Steve said what was on everybody's mind. "I'm a little afraid of what we're gonna find."

Clint and Pepper nodded.

Minutes later, only Pepper jumped when an of owl flew into the room and perched on the couch next to Clint. Clint and Steve blinked at the bird, but Pepper gasped and clutched a hand to her heart.

"How did _that_ get in here?" she asked exasperatedly. She took a few steps nearer only to pause, gesturing as though to shoo the owl away but then stopping.

The owl cooed and pecked at Clint's hair, and Clint glared at the bird as best he could from his angle. He considered using it for target practice but decided that would involve moving, which was something he had vowed against doing for the rest of the day. He did catch sight of the letter tied to its leg, however.

"Hey," Clint said, tilting his head and squinting to read better. "Looks like you've got mail, Steve."

Brow furrowed in confusion, Steve disentangled the letter and looked it over, studying the calligraphy that spelled out his name as he tore into it.

"Wait, this is..." Pepper made a few abortive attempts to finish that thought before groaning and plopping to a sit next to Clint. She didn't even care when the bird started pecking at her bun. "I'm going to kill him."

Meanwhile, Steve blinked at his note and turned it every which way. "What's a Hogwarts?" he asked.

Down the hall came a triumphant roar from their resident God of Thunder. "I'm a _wizard_!"

Clint buried his face in his hands and laughed until he cried. Next to him, Pepper was fighting a giggle. Steve just looked confused.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, Tony and Loki found themselves again sitting side by side at a table. This time, however, the table belonged to SHIELD, and Nick Fury was glaring down at them from the other side.<p>

By then, the caffeine high had worn off, and Loki was ready to kill something if this headache didn't go away. As it was, the hard metal table was starting to look more and more like a potential pillow. He supposed he could escape, but his thoughts were moving in slow motion and his limbs were not moving at all. Curse those humans and their damned caffeine!

Tony looked down at his hands like a recalcitrant child.

Fury spoke first. "What. The. _Hell?_" he all but snarled._ "_Sending out _Hogwarts_ invitations all over New York? Do you have _any idea_ of the sort of clean-up that involved? Telling all those kids that, no, Hogwarts was _not_ real and theywere_ not actually wizards!_ Worse part is, I had to be the bad guy. Coulson had to be the bad guy. _We all_ had to be the bad guy while you were up in the mansion laughing it up!"

"Sorry," Tony muttered.

"I'm not," Loki said in the same tone.

"Loki," Fury shouted, slamming the table, "why the _Hell_ are you even here?"

Loki and Tony exchanged sidelong glances.

"Well now, that's a rather existential question, don't you think?"

Fury narrowed his one eye and pointed a threatening finger Loki's way. "Don't get cute with me, trickster-boy."

Loki blinked up at him with wide, innocent eyes. "Oh, I wouldn't _dream_ of it!"

Tony snickered. Fury gave him a look, and his chuckles broke into an awkward cough. "Sorry," he said again.

"Stark, why is Loki here?"

Tony darted a look at Loki. Loki sat back in his chair and folded his arms, arching an eyebrow.

"He needed help," Tony answered, still darting sheepish glances at the Trickster. Loki rolled his eyes. "He was injured, so... yeah."

"Eloquent, Tony."

"Shut up, alien-boy."

Fury leaned over the table and stared at Tony with an intense, unreadable expression. "So you helped him out instead of arresting his ass."

"Well, we... we figured that after he was better – "

"Looks better to me, Stark!"

"Cough, cough," Loki interrupted dryly, holding his fist in front of his face as though to stop an actual cough.

Fury shot him an exasperated glare before turning back to Tony. "Look, you want to play nice for a bit, that's fine," he said. "But I can't have you fraternizing with the enemy and _helping him _with his Goddamn _pranks_!"

"Sorry."

"Oh, shut up, and get out of my sight."

Tony scrambled to his feet and out of the room.

When Fury turned to address Loki, the Trickster threw him the finger and evaporated into green smoke. Fury closed his eye and sighed. "They don't pay me enough for this shit."


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N:_ I swear there was a plot around here somewhere... *sheepish*

* * *

><p><strong>Back at the Helm<strong>

After watching him teleport out of SHIELD's headquarters, Tony assumed it was the end of his bromance with Loki. It was for the best, he decided; Loki was most definitely a bad influence. The other Avengers were audible in their relief – except for Thor, who looked resigned, even sad – and if they met again on the battlefield, well, Tony would play it by ear.

Needless to say, when Tony shambled into the kitchen the next morning to grab some coffee and found Loki eating cereal out of his helmet, he decided to stop pretending like he understood the Trickster even the tiniest bit.

Leaning against the counter, Loki looked up at Tony when he entered, and his grin nearly split his face in half.

"Good morning!" he chirped.

Tony knew he mumbled something in response, but he couldn't be held accountable for his words and actions before his first cup of coffee.

Or after, really.

Loki's eyes followed him as he shuffled to the counter and poured himself a cup. He continued to smile as he munched on his cereal – really, was using a helmet as a bowl even sanitary? – but there was something off in his expression, a hint of wariness in his too-wide eyes.

Tony chugged his coffee, ignoring the burn and the bitterness of drinking it black, and felt more prepared to deal with Loki.

"Back again, I see," he observed. It was as much a question as a statement.

Loki poked at the cereal in his bowl-helm. Actually, now that Tony thought about it, his cereal bowl _would_ look pretty bad-ass with some horns...

Focus, Tony.

"Amora blew up my apartment after I stood her up," Loki said. His tone was light, bored even, but he was still staring down at his cereal. "And, well, apartment-hunting in New York is _such_ a hassle this time of year."

Tony added cream and sugar and took another sip of his coffee, staring at Loki the whole while. He doubted super-villainy was a location-specific job.

"And mooching off of me works better with your busy schedule."

"Quite."

Loki munched on another spoonful of Cheerio's and finally looked at Tony, his expression all but daring him to kick out the Trickster. Tony smiled into his mug. Loki's pranks had been irritating – though funny – but they had kept him from doing any permanent damage like, say, trying to destroy the world.

He was far from stable, but then again, so was Tony. If there was anything Tony had learned from Thor about Loki, it was that the younger god was hurting. Tony suspected that he had grown tired of being alone.

He could work with this. The key, Tony suspected, was to keep Loki from getting bored.

"Thor still hasn't noticed that his room is pink yet, you know."

Loki smirked around his Cheerio's. Tony leaned on the counter so that he brushed shoulders with the Trickster.

"Of course, I can't do anything like the Hogwarts letters again without Fury kicking my ass." Tony was careful not to say that _Loki_ couldn't do so; he had learned quickly that telling Loki _not_ to do something was the fastest way to get him to actually do it. "Can't have kids being the victim and all that. Then again, if the victim were someone like Doom..."

Tony trailed off meaningfully and smirked at the Trickster. Loki's answering grin had far too many teeth to be friendly.

* * *

><p>"No, no, no. That end goes there."<p>

"Right," Tony muttered. He bit his lip and flipped over the sheet of metal he had been holding. He did not realize that building a Doombot with boobs would be so time-intensive. Loki was letting him do most of the heavy stuff, while the god handled the more delicate work, issuing orders every now and then. "Can't you just wave a hand and say something in Latin?"

They were sitting cross-legged on Tony's bed, with all manner of parts scattered around them, so that the other Avengers couldn't see what they were up to. Naturally, Tony kept cameras in his room, but they weren't exactly for security purposes.

Loki looked up at him, squinting his eyes and furrowing his brow in a look that all but said, _What the heck are you on about? _He waved one hand sarcastically and said, "Pedicabo tuam matrem." He went back to fiddling with some small device. After a moment, he looked up and said wryly, "Oh wait, did you mean use _magic_?"

Tony rolled his eyes. "Yes...?"

"Oh. Well then no. I could, but I won't. What would be the point?"

Tony shrugged and acceded the point. It was best to keep Loki as busy as possible, anyway. The Trickster was getting altogether far too snide, however.

"So, about your helmet," he said, keeping his eyes on the wiring he was maneuvering.

Loki arched an eyebrow but otherwise did not acknowledge the words.

"Love the horns," Tony went on. "Do you ever leave it on so that someone can use them as handles during... _y'know_?"

Loki's hands stopped, and he looked up at the human with the same look as before. Tony smirked and waggled his eyebrows, just to make sure he was being clear.

"Is that _all_ you think about?" Loki sighed. "How crude."

"You like it."

A smile twitched at Loki's lips. He shook his head and bent over his work again.

"You didn't answer my question," Tony pressed.

"Let's put it this way," Loki said without looking up. "I'm a god. I've lived for Odin knows _how_ long. Do you really think there's anything I _haven't_ done?"

Tony laughed. "_That_ is good to know. I'll take that as a 'yes', then."

"Take it however you will."

Tony went back to tinkering. "So, could I borrow the helmet to – ?"

"No."

Before Tony could protest, there was a knock on his door, a pattern that he recognized as Steve's. Half a beat later, the knob was jostled then left alone. Steve could easily break down the door, but, unlike Thor, he was always too polite to barge into a locked room.

"Don't come in!" Tony sputtered. He froze, trying to decide if he should hide the evidence or take the chance that Steve wouldn't enter.

"Tony? You and Loki have been in there a long time."

Steve sounded decidedly uncomfortable, even resigned. Tony suspected the others had wanted to check on him, but Steve had either drawn the short straw or was too noble to foist this duty off onto someone else.

Loki dropped his hands into his lap and grinned up at Tony, shrewd eyes expectant, waiting for his response.

"Uh... we're fine, don't worry! Don't come in!" Tony winced. He'd already said that, hadn't he?

Loki rolled his eyes and bit back a laugh.

A pause, and then a weak, forced-out, "Why?"

Loki arched an eyebrow and set his chin on his hands, watching Tony with exaggerated glee.

Tony went for the obvious alibi. "Because we're having violent, kinky sex!" he shouted.

Loki arched both eyebrows, shoulders shaking with silent laughter. Tony threw his hands out and mouthed, "I don't know!"

"Really," was Steve's dry, resigned reply.

Tony punched Loki in the arm. At the Trickster's offended look, Tony whispered, "Pretend we're having sex."

Loki gave him that "you're kidding, right?" look again. He looked down and to the side for the moment as though considering before an evil smirk pulled at his lips.

"Oh yes, Tony," he said boredly, resuming his work. "Like that, Tony. Go, you stud muffin, you!"

Tony slapped his hand over his face. He shook his head and went back to poking at the half-assembled Doombot.

"Oh yes, oh y – wait, Tony, that doesn't go there!" Loki all but shrieked as he snatched the screw from his hand. "Hand me the screwdriver, will you?"

Tony sighed and handed over the tool.

"Handle first, please, next time. It's only proper. Now the wrench and the wire cutter."

Tony handed those over too.

"And – wait, is Mr. Rogers still listening outside the door?"

Tony smirked. "Yeah, you work that screwdriver, baby."

Loki threw half of the Doombot at his head.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, a wide-eyed and pale-faced Steve shuffled stiffly into the living room. The other Avengers perched on various furniture like vultures waiting to pounce. They stared at Steve, waiting for an answer.<p>

Steve shook his head. "I'll never use a screwdriver again," was all he said before shuffling into the kitchen to stick his head into the freezer.

* * *

><p><em>(Pedicabo tuam matrem<em>: means "I will sodomize your mother". Seriously. I learned all sorts of... _interesting_ verbs in my class on Catullus.)


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N:_ Hey, guys! Been a while, hasn't it? Ehhh heh. I got a bit caught up in writing _Nine Lives _instead, but I hate the idea of leaving anything unfinished, sooo I'm going to try to wrap this up in a few more chapters (which is what I was planning on doing anyway) while I figure out where I'm going with the _NL_ sequel.

Anyways... someone suggested having the Avengers go grocery shopping, so... yeah. That happened.

**Shopping Around**

The air was heavy with hostility. Tony tried to smile disarmingly at his friends, but it came out rather sheepish. He glanced at Loki, who for all appearances looked too concerned with cleaning the dirt from under his fingernails to notice the matching sets of glares aimed their way. He caught Tony's eye and smirked, and somehow Tony could not find it in himself to be angry or annoyed with him.

The Avengers, Pepper, and Loki stood in a cluster along the sidewalk while SHIELD worked on fumigating the mansion. Apparently fleas needed to be exterminated even if they could sing and dance and perform _Mama Mia! _in perfect miniature. Naturally, Loki found the whole thing hilarious.

"Well," Steve said after the silence had stretched beyond awkward. "We won't be allowed in for a while, so we might as well get some errands done."

The others offered a few half-hearted mumbles of agreement.

Pepper tapped away at her smart phone. "I can't," she said. "I have a meeting. But do you think you guys could pick up some groceries?"

"Sure thing!" Steve graciously agreed.

Thor seemed to brighten at the idea. "Ah yes!" he exclaimed. "We shall return with foodstuffs enough for a feast!"

"We're not throwing a feast, Thor," Tony sighed. At the sound of his voice, the Avengers and Pepper bore into him with identical glares, reminding him that this was all at least partially his fault. Tony wanted to remind them that this was _his _mansion they were fumigating, but he doubted that would go over well. "Or... maybe we are?" he amended, and the glares turned away.

"Not cool," Tony said, turning a stern look Loki's way. "That was totally not funny, man."

Without so much as a blink, Loki smirked and said, "It was a little funny."

Tony thought about it for a moment and sighed in defeat. "Yeah," he said, fighting a grin. "Yeah, it was."

He caught sight of the other Avengers' glares again, and hid his chuckle behind a cough.

Loki watched him, expression guarded but almost... affectionate. Primly, he reached out one long-fingered hand and patted Tony on the head. Tony was sure it was supposed to be condescending, even mocking, but he was too surprised that Loki was actually invading someone else's personal space – without any murderous intentions, anyway. Loki smirked and went back to examining his fingernails.

Tony forgot, sometimes, just how _tall _Loki was. Next to Thor, he had always looked like this gangly shoot of a man, but here, up close, Tony had to tilt his head back just to look at Loki's face. God, Tony didn't want to know just how small _he_ looked next to Thor.

"Not cool," Tony said again. This time Loki did not bother to reply.

* * *

><p>The Avengers and Loki bundled into a painfully unstylish SHIELD van, complete with tinted windows and paneled sides, and wasn't <em>that<em> just wonderfully sketchy? After a short, if awkward, ride and an even more awkward Stop & Shop entrance – "No, Loki. Just because the sign says you need a shirt and shoes to enter the building does _not_ mean that you do not have to wear pants!" – the Avengers' shopping expedition had commenced.

As the lone voice of reason, Steve was left to take charge, pulling out a shopping list from his pocket. The others didn't care enough to argue.

Except for Loki, anyway, but Tony suspected that was more for show than anything. "We will get this done much faster if we split up," Loki said in an authoritative – if somewhat snobby – voice. Tony looked again and realized that Loki was leaning on a carriage and reading a replica of the list where none had been before. He decided to just go with it. "Tony and I will handle the fruits and vegetables, Thor and Clint can handle the sweets – by the Tree, just _how_ much sugar do you mortals need? – and Steve and Natasha can – !"

"Hold on," Clint growled, snatching away the list. Loki's eyes slid to pin the archer with a narrowed glare. Tony swore the temperature dropped about twenty degrees. "There's no way we're leaving you and Tony alone, _especially_ not together!"

Tony knew he should probably take offense at that, but – well – he still had those _Mama Mia!_ songs going through his head, so...

"Agreed," Natasha muttered. Thor nodded, ignoring Loki's glare.

Steve sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. "How about we try this as a group and see how that goes?"

Loki rolled his eyes and exchanged glances with Tony but did not argue.

* * *

><p>The wheels squeaked under the carriage as Steve tried to herd it in the right direction. Thor had originally been in charge of carriage-duty, but after watching him crash into the cereal aisle and accidentally bury an old lady in an avalanche of Fruit Loops, Steve had stepped in.<p>

He wondered if it was some universal law that he had to end up with a carriage that veered to the left.

Thor trailed sullenly after him while the others skittered along the fruit aisle. Steve drew to a stop – the carriage squeaked in protest – and Thor drew up next to him. They watched Loki and Tony poke at the produce and bicker like an old married couple.

"Loki's a bad influence on Tony," Steve said.

Thor smiled. "Yet Tony is a good influence on Loki," he replied.

Steve shrugged. "You know your brother better than I do. Is this legitimate, or do you think he's just using Tony... and us?"

Thor frowned and watched his brother for a long moment. "With Loki, one can never be sure," he murmured, "but this friendship... it _seems _legitimate. Asgard is a realm of warriors. Perhaps he is merely glad to be around an intellectual equal for once."

They watched as Tony balanced a pair of cantaloupes, one in either hand. "Hey!" Loki glanced at him over the bushel of apples he was inspecting. "Check out my melons!" Tony snickered and held up the cantaloupes at chest height. An old lady on his left shot him a nasty look.

Steve glanced at Thor. "What were you saying about intellectual equals?"

Thor blew out a tired sigh and rubbed his forehead. "I don't even know."

They watched Loki sigh and shake his head in a similar show of long-suffering. "Just make sure they are the proper size and firmness, Tony," he called. "You should be an expert at it by now." He examined a gala apple and slipped it into a plastic bag.

Tony made a face. "Really? I'd expect _you_ to be the expert in fruit, not me."

A gold-and-red apple smacked into Tony's forehead, and Steve decided it was time to move on to the next aisle.

* * *

><p>"Can I ride in the carriage?"<p>

"No, Tony."

"How about now?"

"Still no."

A few moments of blessed silence, and then, "Now?"

Steve closed his eyes, sighed, and made a mental note to pick up some Tylenol on the way out.

* * *

><p>"I will take your prized calf!" Thor announced across a counter of sandwich meat.<p>

Loki pressed his thumb and middle finger to his temples and blew out a sigh. To the bewildered – and disturbed – human on the other side of the deli counter, Loki offered a cringing smile. "Ignore him," he said, gesturing in Thor's direction. Behind his hand, he whispered, "He's a bit... 'special'."

The human's brow smoothed over in comprehension as he smiled in relief. "Gotcha," he said, sotto-voice.

Thor frowned and eyed his brother narrowly. "Loki," he boomed, "I am trying to provide victuals for our feast this eve – "

"Hush, Thor. Adults are talking."

* * *

><p>"Ooh! Could we get some ingredients for s'mores? I want to see if I can use my suit to – "<p>

"No, Tony."

"But – !"

"_No_."

"Really, Steve. You're no fun."

Standing at Steve's shoulder, Natasha sighed. Steve glanced at her and saw that her eyes were pinched at the corners. She rubbed at her forehead. "If someone doesn't shut him up, I'm going to kick him into next Tuesday."

Steve all but jumped out of his skin when Loki draped an arm about his shoulder. "I have an idea," he said in a sugar-sweet voice. Steve did not find that reassuring.

* * *

><p>Within minutes, Tony was munching happily on a handful of animal crackers while Thor pushed him in another carriage. Loki marched alongside them with a hand on the side of the carriage, pointing out food to them and handing them things like a mother to her children. Tony was peaceably quiet for once in his loudmouth life, and Thor wasn't accidentally destroying things. That was the worst part, Steve decided: Loki's method had actually <em>worked<em>.

"How?" Clint sputtered. "What?"

Loki smiled. "Clearly you've never had children," he blithely replied.

Exchanging glances with Clint and Natasha, Steve said, "I think Loki has adopted Tony."


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N:_ Hey, guys! I'm on tumblr now, since apparently the internet hasn't been wasting enough of my time, pfffft. I'm MaverikLoki on there, so look me up and say hi! :D

* * *

><p><strong>Shenanigans<strong>

Loki looked out of place in a dive like this, all long, elegant lines and immaculate clothing. Even the way he held his glass hinted at a sense of superiority. The air was still thick with smoke, but it was late enough that the background chatter had dulled to a murmur.

"You had fun today, didn't you?" Tony tried not to smile too widely as he asked.

"Oh yes," Loki replied. "Babysitting the Avengers is always my idea of a good time." The sarcasm was thick enough to stand on.

"Mmhm."

Loki gave him a sideways look and frowned at Tony's smirk.

"You could join us, you know."

There. He'd said it. All off-handed and nonchalant like he _hadn't_ been obsessing about bringing it up.

He held his breath.

Loki's hand stilled for a moment before bringing the glass to his lips. Without looking up, Loki said, "I'm going to act like you didn't just say that. And, if you value your life, you won't bring it up again." He spoke calmly, but his jaw muscles were clenched.

Considering the lack of anticipated destruction, Tony considered it a step in the right direction.

"If you say so," he said. What he meant was, _We'll see._

* * *

><p>Tony didn't see Loki for a week after that. The god seemed to have (finally) moved out of the Avenger mansion, much to everyone's combined relief and concern. Tony wondered why he felt so disappointed.<p>

And then Jarvis started talking like Chiquita Banana, and Tony couldn't stop laughing.

* * *

><p>"...and that's why Swiss cheese has holes." Tony finished his lecture on dairy products with a bow and flourish, but when he turned, his one-man audience had his attention focused elsewhere. "Steve?" he prompted mid-flourish.<p>

Tony had to backtrack to meet up with his friend, who was standing by a magazine stand with a flimsy magazine in hand and a vaguely horrified look on his face.

"Hey!" Tony laughed, punching Steve's arm. "Don't tell me you read that stuff! What is it? Another article on Brangelina?"

"No," Steve answered slowly, looking bemused. "It's about you. And Loki."

The grin evaporated from Tony's face. "Let me see that!" Steve let him snatch the magazine from his hand. Tony scanned the article, crumpling the pages under his white-knuckled grip.

Without a word, Tony placed the magazine back on the stand and pulled out his phone. He dialed a number he now knew by heart.

_Dude_, he texted, thumbs flying over the keys. _Not cool_.

He closed his phone, waited, and Steve watched his expression curiously. Half a minute later, the phone vibrated.

_Whatever do you mean, Anthony darling?_ read Loki's reply.

_Telling the tabloids you're pregnant with my child?_

_Oh that. Are you sure I'm not?_

_We've never had sex!_

He couldn't hear it, but Tony was fairly certain that Loki was laughing at him wherever he was.

_Wouldn't be the first time_, Loki replied, and Tony fought the urge to twitch. A minute passed and then, _That would be your worst nightmare, would it not? Impregnating someone without even getting laid first? lol_

Tony would never get used to imagining the God of Mischief saying "lol".

_Sounds like a raw deal, yes. So if you are preggers, we should rectify that by having super kinky sex. For justice. _After a minute of fidgeting, Tony added, _You're not actually pregnant, are you?_ Because this was Loki, after all.

There was a longer pause than usual before Loki's reply. Tony suspected it was done on purpose, just to torture him. Steve was reading over his shoulder now, looking halfway between fascinated and horrified, as he usually did around Loki and Tony and their shenanigans.

_No._

Tony almost sobbed in relief. Steve patted him on the shoulder.

_Just part of an April Fool's Day prank_, Loki elaborated.

Steve and Tony exchanged glances. "It's March tenth," Steve said. Tony relayed the observation via text.

_Very good. You can read dates._

Tony rolled his eyes.

_I'm the God of Mischief, Anthony. One day of mayhem is not adequate for me. I have to work my way up._

_I'm suddenly very, very scared for my sanity._

_Sanity is overrated, my dear. Still up for that kinky sex? Tell Steven he's welcome to join us. I have a thing for muscly blondes._

Tony felt as much as saw Steve's full-body shudder. He made a sound in the back of his throat that sounded like "nnng" and backed away.

_I think he says "no". And the muscly blond thing is disturbing on so many levels._

_Pity._

_But yeah, I'm still up for the kinky sex._

_Lol, too bad. You're not a muscly blonde!_

_Aww..._

_Trololol!_

_I hate you._

_That's a horrible thing to say to the mother of your child._

_I will smack you._

_Promises!_

Tony chuckled and shook his head, pocketing his phone. He plucked another magazine from the stand and found another article dealing with him and Loki.

Steve was watching him with his brow all wrinkly in concern.

"Yes?" Tony prompted, blithely turning the page to a picture of him in a tux with... Loki giving him bunny ears. Dear God, Loki has discovered photobombing.

"So you're... still in contact with Loki?" he said, practically tiptoeing around the words.

Tony sighed and turned to an image of Loki giving a pair of thumbs-up. His face was all pleasing lines and wicked smiles. "Yeah, you could say that," he said distractedly. "Though really Loki's in charge of the amount of contact.

"Huh."

"Yeah. And he hasn't even tried to kill or maim me in the past few months. I'd call that progress!" Tony gave Steve a thumbs up of his own, imitating Loki's diabolically gleeful expression.

Steve frowned and blinked at him for a long moment. "Still not sure I approve."

"Don't worry, Mom. He always gets me home before curfew, and he keeps his hands strictly above the waist. I, on the other hand – "

"_Okay_!" Steve interrupted, grimacing and holding his hands palm out. "I get it. I'll stop prying. Just..." He gave Tony a long, searching look. "Just be careful, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah."

Tony already had his phone out again. _Chinese food tonight? _he texted Loki. He'd learned the hard way to specify "food" when asking Loki if he wanted Chinese.

Half a minute, and then: _Your place. Order wontons._

* * *

><p><strong>Footnote:<strong> the photobombing here is a nod to a livejournal prompt and fill that involves Loki mastering the art of photobombing. Look it up if you get a chance. It's _hilarious!_


End file.
